Teach Your Sons How to Treat You: Your Actions Are the Curriculum
January 28, 2026
There’s a post I’ve now seen twice, in two different Facebook groups for women physicians. Different women, different groups, same story:
A physician mom gets sick.
She has two teenage sons and a husband.
And even while sick, she’s expected to keep doing everything — cooking, cleaning, checking in on everyone else’s needs.
No one asks how she’s doing.
No one brings her food.
And she realizes — with anger, confusion, and heartbreak — that her family doesn’t know how to care for her.
Not just that they won’t.
That they don’t know how.
And while the comments flooded in with “your husband should have taught them better,” I had a different take.
Because I’ve lived this.
And I know how we get here.
You’re Teaching Them — Whether You Mean To or Not
Here’s the truth most of us don’t want to admit:
Our families are following our lead.
When you’ve spent the last 15 years:
Powering through illness
Pretending you're fine when you’re not
Managing every detail of home and work with no help
Shrugging off exhaustion like it’s normal
You’ve been teaching them that you don’t need support.
Not with your words — with your actions.
Because kids don’t model what you say.
They model what they see.
So when a crisis hits, and suddenly you do need care, they’re confused. Because it doesn’t match the story you’ve been acting out every day for years.
Sons Are Watching. Daughters Are Absorbing.
This episode centers on sons — because the posts were about teenage boys — but let’s be clear: this isn’t just a “boy mom” issue.
If you have a daughter who you know would step in and take care of you if you got sick, I want you to ask yourself:
Why is that?
Is it because you’ve raised her to be thoughtful and empathetic?
Or because you’ve unconsciously trained her to anticipate everyone’s needs — just like you do?
And if you have both a son and a daughter, and you’re only confident one would help… that’s a clue.
These dynamics don’t come out of nowhere. They are passed down — quietly, invisibly, and often with love — through what we normalize at home.
Gender Roles Don’t Skip High-Achieving Households
Even in physician homes — especially in physician homes — traditional gender roles sneak in.
Not because you believe in them.
But because you're exhausted.
Because it’s easier to just do it yourself.
Because you don’t want to fight every battle.
But over time, that becomes the system.
And your kids grow up believing:
Mom handles everything.
Dad’s “help” is optional.
And when Mom’s sick, we wait it out — she’ll be back soon.
What Happens If You Get Sick?
Ask yourself:
Would your family know what to do?
Would they step in, or step back?
Are you raising a son who knows how to care for his future partner?
Are you modeling a version of motherhood your daughter would actually want?
And if the answers make you feel uncomfortable — that’s not shame.
That’s your cue.
This Isn’t About Blame. It’s About Ownership.
You’re not at fault for the way society has conditioned us.
But you are responsible for what you continue to model now.
This episode isn’t just about illness or parenting. It’s about the unspoken curriculum you’ve been writing every day with your actions.
So the real question is:
What are they learning from you?
And is that what you want them to carry forward?
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