Resilience Without the Fire: Why I No Longer Glorify Struggle

August 13, 2025

We’ve been taught that staying makes us strong.

Stay in the hard job.

Stay in the painful conversation.

Stay in the school that doesn’t feel safe.

Stay in the version of motherhood or medicine that’s breaking you — and call it growth.

For a long time, I believed that too. Because that belief is everywhere. Especially in the way we talk about resilience.

I’ve heard it in parenting circles:

“Kids need to learn how to deal with adversity.”

“They won’t be able to handle the real world if we protect them too much.”

“We’re not doing them any favors by pulling them out of hard situations.”

I’ve heard it in medicine:

“You just have to get through it.”

“Residency is supposed to be hard.”

“This is what we signed up for.”

But here’s what I’ve realized:

Surviving something and being shaped by it are not the same.

And trauma doesn’t need to be the teacher.

The Lie That Trauma Builds Character

There’s a deeply ingrained belief in our culture that trauma builds character. That if you make it through something hard, you come out stronger. And sometimes that’s true.

But not always.

Sometimes what you come out with is anxiety. Or chronic pain. Or rage.

Sometimes you don’t “grow” — you just cope.

And sometimes, the cost of staying is far too high for what you think you’ll gain.

What I Want My Children to Learn Instead

I’m a homeschool mom, but this post isn’t really about homeschooling. It’s about how we think about growth, and how we teach our children — often unintentionally — that being in constant stress is some kind of rite of passage.

When my son cried every day before school and told me he didn’t feel safe, I didn’t see it as an opportunity to build his resilience. I saw it as a message: this isn’t working.

And I believed him.

Because the resilience I want for him doesn’t come from surviving trauma.

It comes from knowing he’s loved. From feeling safe. From seeing that it’s okay to leave when something is no longer good for you.

That’s the kind of strength I want him to carry.

Physician Moms Deserve That Too

Let’s be honest. We’re not just applying this belief to our kids. We apply it to ourselves, all the time.

We “push through.”

We silence ourselves.

We stay in jobs that deplete us because we think walking away is quitting.

But what if the real strength is in knowing when to go?

What if choosing peace is just as powerful as enduring pain?

And what if the version of you that’s pushed to the edge isn’t the one you need to meet?

The Most Grounded Choice You Can Make

I no longer believe that trauma is required for growth.

Not in parenting. Not in medicine. Not in life.

Sometimes walking away is the most grounded, mature, life-affirming choice you can make.

And no, it doesn’t mean you’re weak.

It means you’re paying attention.

It means you’re putting your wellbeing — and your family’s — above the performance of strength.

If this resonates, I invite you to listen to the full episode of Stethoscopes and Strollers. I unpack this belief, where it comes from, and why it no longer holds power over me.

You don’t need to earn your peace.

You get to choose it.

Don’t miss an episode!

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