When Being Yourself Feels Like Too Much: Owning My Introversion, My Intensity, and My Growth

July 30, 2025

I Wasn’t the Problem  But I Still Got Labeled Like One

I’ve always been introverted, observant, and deeply introspective. I’m also direct. Clear. No-nonsense. And if you’ve been in medicine long enough especially as a Black woman you know those traits don’t always land well.

Throughout my life, I’ve been misunderstood. But nowhere did it cost me more than during residency.

To be clear, my program wasn’t toxic. But the experience? It was traumatizing. Not because anyone was overtly cruel but because I didn’t have the tools I needed to navigate the environment I was in. And the way I showed up quiet, serious, blunt was constantly pathologized.

Instead of coaching, I got comparison.
Instead of support, I got labels.
Instead of grace, I got discipline.

And that moment those years shaped so much of how I’ve learned to honor my personality, protect my peace, and parent my kids differently.

I’m Allowed to Be Most Myself In My Own Home

Many years ago, I might’ve considered changing forcing myself to chat more, perform friendliness, soften the edges. But I never actually did.

What I did do eventually was learn how to set clear expectations.

I realized that the discomfort wasn’t coming from who I was. It was coming from the gap between how I show up naturally and what others assumed I should be. Especially for our au pairs, who are often young, far from home, and navigating new cultural dynamics, that gap can turn into stories:

“She doesn’t like me.”
“She’s mad.”
“I did something wrong.”

So instead of shapeshifting to avoid being misunderstood, I started preparing them.

Now, I’m upfront about my personality before we match I explain that I’m quiet at home, that I value space and stillness, that I won’t always be chatty. Not because I’m upset. Not because they did anything wrong. Just because that’s me.

This way, I get to remain fully myself without guilt, without pressure while also helping them feel secure and welcomed.

What This Taught Me About Parenting My Own Kids

As I reflected on all of this, I thought about my son.

He’s an introvert, too. Doesn’t like story time at the library when school is out. Too many kids, too much chaos. He’d rather stay home or be around his people.

And I see so clearly now how easy it is to misread kids like him.

How many times do we hear parents say, “I want him to come out of his shell,” or “I just want her to be more confident”?
As if quiet equals broken.
As if introverted equals deficient.

I’m not doing that to my children.

Instead, I’m teaching them that their natural way of being is not something to be fixed. It’s beautiful. And I’ll also teach them how to navigate a world that may not always see it that way — without internalizing that as truth.

This Is Generational Wealth

We talk a lot about passing down wealth, and yes money matters. But this?

This is emotional wealth.
This is psychological safety.
This is the kind of resilience that doesn’t require pretending or perfection.

When I think about the future of medicine, of coaching, of my own family this is what I want to offer:

• A space where residents, especially Black women, don’t get punished for being quiet.

• A home where my kids feel loved exactly as they are.

• A life where I don’t have to explain myself just to feel safe.

And I want that for you, too.

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