You Can Be Gone and Still Be a Good Mom: Lessons from a Military Surgeon

May 21, 2025

Dr. Amy Vertrees didn’t follow the usual path to motherhood.

She was 10 years into marriage, halfway through her military medical career, and focused on becoming a trauma surgeon — not building a family.

You Can Be Gone and Still Be a Good Mom: Lessons from a Military Surgeon, Motherhood, and the Power of Self-Trust

What one physician learned about presence, guilt, and redefining what it means to “show up”

There are so many quiet rules physician moms absorb without realizing it.

You should always be available.
You should never need help.
You should somehow be all in at work and all in at home, without ever dropping a ball or asking for time.
And if you do need to step away — whether for a conference, a deployment, or a moment to breathe — there’s an unspoken fear that maybe, you’re falling short.

That’s where this story begins.

Because sometimes, motherhood asks you to step away.
And that doesn’t mean you’ve stepped out.

Leaving doesn't mean disappearing

Being gone — whether for hours, days, or months — doesn’t automatically make you less present in your child’s life.

Proximity isn’t the only way to love.
Being physically close doesn’t guarantee connection.
And distance doesn’t automatically create disconnection.

What actually matters is intention. Planning. Communication. Emotional presence.

It’s the love you build before you leave, the systems you put in place, and the trust you hold in yourself — and your family — while you're gone.

You don’t owe the world 24/7 access to be a “real” mom

One of the most harmful ideas modern mothers are handed is that we must always be available to prove our worth.

That if you miss a milestone, you’ve failed.
That if you’re not home for bedtime, you’re out of sync.
That if your partner or childcare provider picks up the slack, you’ve dropped the ball.

But here’s what’s more true than any of that:
You can step away and still be fully connected.
You can pursue your calling and still be the constant in your child’s life.
You can build a family that knows love doesn’t disappear just because your physical presence does.

You’re allowed to trust your choices

The guilt doesn’t always vanish, even when you know what you’re doing is right.

But you can choose to move with clarity instead of fear.

You can prepare intentionally.
You can make hard decisions with softness.
You can trust your partner to carry part of the weight.
And most importantly, you can believe that your children will be okay — not because you're perfect, but because they are deeply loved.

The version of you who always holds everything doesn’t have to keep doing that

Being the one who “handles it all” might have served you in training. It might’ve helped you earn trust, credibility, or praise in your career.

But motherhood asks for something different.

It asks for presence, not performance.
It asks for vulnerability, not just strength.
It asks for you to stop proving, and start trusting.

You don’t need to earn your place in your child’s life by sacrificing your own.

You’re still the mom they need — even when you’re not in the room

Your worth isn’t measured by hours logged.
It’s measured in the way your child feels seen, safe, and loved.

That doesn’t go away when you step out for a shift, a flight, or a deployment.
It doesn’t disappear during call weekends or time away.

You can be gone — and still be the center of their world.
Because what makes you a good mom isn’t how often you’re home.

It’s how deeply you’re rooted when you are.

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